My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
