Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
