why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
i think im in europe. pls send help
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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