It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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