I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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