His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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