apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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