she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
