I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
