Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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