Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
