Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
