I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
