you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
