I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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