The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Did we literally take a cab across the street
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
