Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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