I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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