You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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