my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
