Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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