I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
