I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
