one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
40s are totally the cure
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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