Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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