Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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