Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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