VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
