just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
