I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
FUCK WHALES
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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