Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just gift wrapped bread.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
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some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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