Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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