fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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