some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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