I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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