Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
