I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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