Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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