I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
