In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
