Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
