tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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