I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
