drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
