I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
