So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
