you have to choose: penises or morals?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
