the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Every concussion has its silver lining
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
