just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
