Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
