I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
