I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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