Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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