So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Congratulations! We have a period
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
