I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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