When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
