I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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